Feeling a little down

Sometimes I wonder, why does people always take advantage of me? Just because I am nice and I deserve to be taken advantage on? Really? So why do nice people exists?

A four and a half years relationship make me learnt a lot. It will always keep me wonder, is every guy the same? Will they change after a year? 2 years? or 4 years? How long will they be nice to you? Of course they would be nice at the very beginning because they are trying to get you. And then what happen? They start showing their true colour? Or they just stop having interest in you? So how am I going to have faith in relationship anymore? I'm always being taken advantage of in the relationship. Giving in so much and at the end of the day, you get "my feelings faded". 

How am I suppose to deal with this if the next guy that comes along say the same thing to me after another 4 years? So I just keep getting hurt every 4 years? And waste all my feelings, effort and money in it? It's so stupid! 

Guy can really be douche! I really don't know how am I suppose to have faith in long term relationship anymore. Is it worth the hurt? It really hurt so bad when you love the other person more than anything else. It's really stupid that my feelings only get stronger everyday whenever I love a guy. It feels like an inverse relationship with the guy. He might start losing interest and I'll only start loving him more and more everyday. At the end of the day, I'm always at the losing end. Sometimes I just feel like killing myself for being nice to boyfriend. 

Maybe, maybe I should train myself to be more mean, more cold hearted and take in more instead of giving out. I might not get hurt so bad at the end. 

I'm just feeling so hurt right now by many things that happened or I heard. I just want to shout at someone! DAMN IT! 

*super frustrated and upset*
我的心真的很痛很痛！为什么我不能遇见更好的呢？

Quarter life crisis???

I'm almost at my quarter life now.
Life is getting more serious.

I need to start worrying about my future! Arggh! Talking about future make my head go spinning again!

I need to decide what I want in my life.

I have to think about my visa, how to secure a future in Australia?

I really hope and wish that everything will turns out fine at the end. 

I have talked to a few agents and the reply is pretty disappointing.

I came here to study to secure a better future. 

And now with all the chances in the immigration rules, I am back to square one?

Is like the whole world is against me getting a chance to even stay here?

WHY??? Life is soooo unfair. I just need a chance. 

I am pretty sure I can perform well. But who is going to know how well I can perform if there isn't any chance for me to proof to them? 

I have to worry about my relationship problem too. So yes, we have been together for 4 and a half years. But what is that 4 and a half years compared to a life time? Am I able to live with a person with bad temper for the rest of my life? 4 and half years as compared to the coming 50 years? I rather take the easy way out. A person who can lash out anger at you any time make you live in fear constantly. How do you know when or what you say will get you into what kind of trouble? I know that he is no good for me. But, I don't know what I should do. Should I really call it off? What will my family be thinking of me? They are expecting us to get married in maybe 4 years time? I.don't.know.

I guess I need to clear my mind off everything really soon. I have 1 project, 1 assignment and 1 quiz due next week. After that, I will be facing my finals. But meh, I'm sure I can handle my studies pretty well. These are things that are possible to work out. The rest are just a pain in the ass! 

Sandra, if you are reading this from above, I hope and wish that you will lend a hand to me or at least tell me what to do. Try to make my life more simple and easy? Will you? I miss your laughter that just bring all the bad things to end. It's been almost 3 years now. But it felt like yesterday that we went to the Neyo concert together. I hope you are doing fine up there. Love you always.