At the age of 25 turning 26...

It's been a long time since I have updated my blog. I was reading through my old blog post and realised how much I have grown ever since.

From my previous post, I was worried about jobs and visa. Everything was a variable in my life. Now, things are a little more stable. I have a sort of stable job, which can bring me to many different places of the world. I am a treasury implementation consultant. My company, CCK Financial Solution is a company that sells a treasury system named Guava. My job comes in after the client purchased the system. I need to setup/configure the system to the client's requirements. Things can get pretty challenging at times when clients are difficult. But I am enjoying the challenge as I am learning new things everyday. My job satisfaction is amazing when the whole issue/crisis raised by client are resolved.

My first project was in the Philippines. We are implementing for the central bank of Philippines. I was working day and night, 7 days a week due to the critical stage of the project. At the start of the assignment, I was pretty resistant to work so much, thinking what is this crazy culture, I shouldn't be working like this. After awhile, when I got myself more involved in the project, I realised I wasn't complaining anymore. I was actually willing to put in more time and effort to resolve the issues. The assignment was 1.5 months. I would say I really hated that place but I am missing the satisfaction that I get from my trip.

About my visa status, I was granted a Temporary Residency in April 2013. I can stay and work in Australia until October 2014. Thereafter I will have to apply for my Permanent Residency. That will be my next challenge in my life.

So enough of the updates, I want to talk about how I realised things today. I went out with Widy to the bridal expo today. We were going from booth to booth to check out all the wedding stuff. I felt mentally exhausted looking at how much effort we need to put in to make a nice wedding happen. From venue to cakes, decorations, celebrant, make up, photos and djs. There are so much hassles to be married. I can't imagine myself doing all these stuff. I told Widy I am really impressed by how she is capable of doing all these while Chris is away on site. I would get so pissed if my fiancé is not putting in as much effort for our wedding. But her answer was amazing. I understand why Chris is marrying this amazing girl. She said he is busy working, my job is to look for the things I want and give the information to him for approval. How can a person be so giving and understanding? I guess this made me realised that I am not ready for a committed relationship or I have yet to find that person that I am willing to give in this much. Or maybe, just maybe I have become a very realistic person who always want to get something in return after I give in.

I became a person who stop believing guys can be nice and trustworthy. I became a person who want them to prove to me that they are in this more than I do before I start trusting them. I became a person who is so afraid to get my heartbroken again. And, I do not like what I have become. I want to believe in love again but I don't know how to do it anymore. As I grow older, I stop believing in all these fairy tale story anymore.

I hope, truly hope and wish someday the one for me will come along and make me believe love can still be in my life.

xoxo :)

Feeling a little down

Sometimes I wonder, why does people always take advantage of me? Just because I am nice and I deserve to be taken advantage on? Really? So why do nice people exists?

A four and a half years relationship make me learnt a lot. It will always keep me wonder, is every guy the same? Will they change after a year? 2 years? or 4 years? How long will they be nice to you? Of course they would be nice at the very beginning because they are trying to get you. And then what happen? They start showing their true colour? Or they just stop having interest in you? So how am I going to have faith in relationship anymore? I'm always being taken advantage of in the relationship. Giving in so much and at the end of the day, you get "my feelings faded". 

How am I suppose to deal with this if the next guy that comes along say the same thing to me after another 4 years? So I just keep getting hurt every 4 years? And waste all my feelings, effort and money in it? It's so stupid! 

Guy can really be douche! I really don't know how am I suppose to have faith in long term relationship anymore. Is it worth the hurt? It really hurt so bad when you love the other person more than anything else. It's really stupid that my feelings only get stronger everyday whenever I love a guy. It feels like an inverse relationship with the guy. He might start losing interest and I'll only start loving him more and more everyday. At the end of the day, I'm always at the losing end. Sometimes I just feel like killing myself for being nice to boyfriend. 

Maybe, maybe I should train myself to be more mean, more cold hearted and take in more instead of giving out. I might not get hurt so bad at the end. 

I'm just feeling so hurt right now by many things that happened or I heard. I just want to shout at someone! DAMN IT! 

*super frustrated and upset*
我的心真的很痛很痛！为什么我不能遇见更好的呢？

Quarter life crisis???

I'm almost at my quarter life now.
Life is getting more serious.

I need to start worrying about my future! Arggh! Talking about future make my head go spinning again!

I need to decide what I want in my life.

I have to think about my visa, how to secure a future in Australia?

I really hope and wish that everything will turns out fine at the end. 

I have talked to a few agents and the reply is pretty disappointing.

I came here to study to secure a better future. 

And now with all the chances in the immigration rules, I am back to square one?

Is like the whole world is against me getting a chance to even stay here?

WHY??? Life is soooo unfair. I just need a chance. 

I am pretty sure I can perform well. But who is going to know how well I can perform if there isn't any chance for me to proof to them? 

I have to worry about my relationship problem too. So yes, we have been together for 4 and a half years. But what is that 4 and a half years compared to a life time? Am I able to live with a person with bad temper for the rest of my life? 4 and half years as compared to the coming 50 years? I rather take the easy way out. A person who can lash out anger at you any time make you live in fear constantly. How do you know when or what you say will get you into what kind of trouble? I know that he is no good for me. But, I don't know what I should do. Should I really call it off? What will my family be thinking of me? They are expecting us to get married in maybe 4 years time? I.don't.know.

I guess I need to clear my mind off everything really soon. I have 1 project, 1 assignment and 1 quiz due next week. After that, I will be facing my finals. But meh, I'm sure I can handle my studies pretty well. These are things that are possible to work out. The rest are just a pain in the ass! 

Sandra, if you are reading this from above, I hope and wish that you will lend a hand to me or at least tell me what to do. Try to make my life more simple and easy? Will you? I miss your laughter that just bring all the bad things to end. It's been almost 3 years now. But it felt like yesterday that we went to the Neyo concert together. I hope you are doing fine up there. Love you always. 

Missing those times...

I was boiling water in the kitchen just then and I remember those times.

Those times that you would wake up just to boil water for me because I was coughing.
Those times that you would wake up just to boil water for me to shower early in the morning.
Those times that I was sick and you took care of me whole night long.
Those times that I need to stay up to study and you accompanied me.
Those times that I want to go for McD breakfast at 4am and you would accompany me.
Those times that you would do the tiniest things in the world that nobody will even realised, just for me.


I then wish there will be time in the near future for all these to happen again.

I miss you hubby.
I'm looking forward to seeing you soon.
I love you dearly.
XOXO

Bad day

I'm not feeling well today. Had headache, fever n head been spinning. But hey, who am I kidding? Nobody actually care if I'm sick or just normal. My bf tells me to take care instead of comforting me with his voice. He only say that 'i'm not talking tonight. I hope u understand.'  *heartbroken*

So yeah, I've been feeling sick all night while my bf was out enjoying dinner and badminton with his friends. At the end of the day, all I get is 'I HOPE U UNDERSTAND'

Yes I know he's tired n he needs to be awake early tmr. So am I? Oh he doesn't know that. He knows bout himself. He's tired I'm not? He needs to wake up early, I need to leave home by 7.45? For me, it's the thoughts that count. At least let me know that u care, will ya? Would u jz spare me 5 mins of ur long day?

It's jz another sad and disappointing day. When I needed u d most, all u tell me is I HOPE U UNDERSTAND.

Air Asia Ticket Sales!!!

There's Air Asia flight ticket sales today. I really wish I can go holiday somewhere with my hubby. But i really doubt he has the time for me. So all i can do is.. browsing through Air Asia website, seeing how cheap the tickets are... *Pathetic*

I really wish I can fly here and there with him. But facts of life, we are normal human. So we need to work to feed our stomach. I don't even dare to ask him if he wants to go anywhere for holiday. He will be grumbling say that I am being inconsiderate for asking him to fly somewhere for holiday because he will not have the time and money to splurge.

Oh well, life is not perfect. We need to work hard to achieve a great future together!!!

Love you. XOXO.

稻香

對這個世界如果你有太多的抱怨
跌倒了就不敢繼續往前走
為什麼人要這麼的脆弱　墮落
請你打開電視看看
多少人為生命在努力勇敢的走下去
我們是不是該知足
珍惜一切 就算沒有擁有

還記得你說家是唯一的城堡　隨著稻香河流繼續奔跑
微微笑　小時候的夢我知道
不要哭讓螢火蟲帶著你逃跑　鄉間的歌謠永遠的依靠
回家吧　回到最初的美好

不要這麼容易就想放棄　就像我說的
追不到的夢想　換個夢不就得了
為自己的人生鮮艷上色　先把愛塗上喜歡的顏色
笑一個吧　功成名就不是目的
讓自己快樂快樂這才叫做意義
童年的紙飛機　現在終於飛回我手裡
所謂的那快樂　赤腳在田裡追蜻蜓追到累了
偷摘水果被蜜蜂給叮到怕了　誰在偷笑呢
我靠著稻草人吹著風唱著歌睡著了
哦　哦　午後吉它在蟲鳴中更清脆
哦　哦　陽光灑在路上就不怕心碎
珍惜一切　就算沒有擁有

還記得你說家是唯一的城堡　隨著稻香河流繼續奔跑
微微笑　小時候的夢我知道
不要哭讓螢火蟲帶著你逃跑　鄉間的歌謠永遠的依靠
回家吧　回到最初的美好